Helene Darroze at the Connaught, London

The sommelier at the Connaught glides to our table. Under his arm he carries the hotel's leather-bound wine list. It is the size of a tombstone at Dead Diner's Gulch, and is equally forbidding. 'I think it would be nice,' he says, 'to start the meal with a half bottle of Chassagne Montrachet.' ... read more

Ambassade de L’ile, London

When we rang to reserve a table (for one) at Ambassade de L’ile, the receptionist would only take the booking if a credit card number was supplied. What a cheek. The place had barely opened its doors. It reminded us of the early days of Sketch, when would-be diners were asked what they did for a living before being considered worthy, or otherwise, of a table. The Ambassade were equally firm. ‘If you don’t turn up, £80 will be deducted from your card,’ we were told, which seems harsh, not to mention inhospitable. In the haute French stratosphere where this restaurant firmly places itself, kinder and more civilised manners tend to prevail. Neither Le Gavroche nor the Waterside Inn requests a card number from small parties, although Gordon Ramsay has more bullish ideas. At his Royal Hospital Road flagship restaurant, £150 per head is deducted for no shows. If nothing else, it is a useful indicator of what restaurants have calculated their minimum customer spend to be. And while we all understand that restaurants, especially small, expensive ones, need some sort of guarantee against financial loss, what guarantee do customers ever have against a bad, shoddy or preposterous meal? ... read more

Scott's, London

Whatever it is that Scott's has got, people want a lot of it. Since the day it opened in the dark December of 2006, this latest incarnation of Scott's fish restaurant has been an absolute smash. Celebrities and politicians love it; the rich and famous forever clamour to punish the parquet and their wallets in this sleek Mayfair outpost. On one celebrated evening earlier this year, Scott's diners included Tony and Cherie Blair and the topless model Jordan with her husband, Peter Andre. Not together, sadly, although this odd culture clash featuring crass exploiter of dubious artificially inflated assets (Tony) alongside big girly blouse (Peter) illustrates the central truth about Scott's. Everyone wants to come here. ... read more

L'Anima, London

Every time I read that a new restaurant is opening where the chef wants to cook ‘contemporary Italian cuisine’ in ‘chic, minimal surroundings’, something inside me dies. For I know what that means. It means eating overpriced pasta with an inappropriate sauce, while sitting on a chair made out of scrap iron with spaghetti metal legs. There will be cheap abstracts on the wall, Coldplay on the sound system, courgette flowers stuffed with snail porridge, bad desserts, warm prosecco, bread that is either incredibly long, long, long or thin, thin, thin and a bill that is always far too big, big, big. Even worse, the menu will be inspired from all over Italy, rather than rippling with the integrity of just one simple region. This kind of attempt at a geographic jigsaw, let me tell you, is almost always a recipe for laziness and disaster. ... read more

Quo Vadis, London

Where are you going? Where are you going? It is an apt enough question for this re-re-re-re-relaunched Soho restaurant, which opened on Monday after a long period of neglect that resulted in it desperately needing a sprinkle of stardust. Certainly, magic is in the air at the moment! The Evening Standard managed to review the restaurant before it was even serving meals, which is quite a catering miracle. Perhaps not quite as miraculous though as the Quo Vadis summer pudding which, like a multi-millionaire eunuch, is all bread and no berries. But wait! I am getting ahead of myself. ... read more

An exclusive new review from Jan Moir and S is published on this website every Thursday. To have this review automatically sent to you, sign up below.

Are You Ready To Order? is a free website. We will not pass your details on.